Support for those w/ ADHD partners
Question:
Sounds like your partner has some serious problems. From your descriptions of his (over)reactions and the arguments and his worries, one has to wonder whether his meds are doing their job. When I myself find myself becoming somewhat like that, it can usually be traced to forgetting/stopping my antidepressant. You need the think seriously about whether you can handle this. By the way, having ADhD is not an excuse for cheating on your partner. Having ADhD is not actually an excuse for any kind of unacceptable behaviour. Steal impulsively and go to jail … Hit impulsively and go to jail … Cheat impulsively and you may lose your partner … Good luck. Seems like you will need it. The strength of your love will be tested. Linda
Response:
Only mentioned it because he brought it up. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -For Heaven’s sake, could we leave religion out of it? The guy is probably so used to being criticized he mounts his defense before the charge. Linda
Response:
I agree, it sounds like you may be getting in too deep and too young. Be his friend and support, but not from an intimate relationship. He just doesn’t sound healthy enough to give what it takes, and you deserve to find someone who is "where you are" in that respect. Especially consider you may be leaving for additional schooling soon. Another thing I am concerned about is that you pointed out he is willing to be "unfaithful" even if for momentary lapses in judgement and perhaps due to his impulsivity and difficulty determining consequences. However, the impact and consequences of this behavior could be life-threatening not only for him, but for you!!! I think that should be your most immediate concern — for your health and safety. He is obviously not in a position to protect that for you. Good luck and keep us posted. BTW — another Christian here 
Laurie Wagner Vice President, Educational Development Reading and Language Arts Centers http://www.rlac.com
Response:
Beth, the members of the United Church of Canada are Christians, but they welcome homosexuals amongst their clergy. For Heaven’s sake, could we leave religion out of it? The guy is probably so used to being criticized he mounts his defense before the charge. Linda
Response:
Hi all, I just recently discovered this newsgroup after searching around on the WWW and discussion groups for help in dealing with a partner who exhibits symptoms of ADHD and several related conditions (OCD, mild Tourette’s, and GAD, or General Anxiety Disorder). Even a couple of weeks’ worth of back postings on here have helped and I look forward to being a regular reader, and perhaps contributor, to this group. It makes me feel as though I am not the only one experiencing these issues. I’ll try to condense the story and highlight the main points. First off, I am a 22-year-old male, recently graduated from college, who does not suffer from mental illness; depression runs in several lines of my family history and I have experienced slight symptoms of it before, but nothing requiring serious treatment. I also happen to be gay. Judging by the number of posts from Christians I have read here, this is likely to offend some, but it is not the essence of the post so please hear me out and reserve judgment for the ADHD-related facts. About 8 months ago I befriended a 20-year-old man and fellow college student who I quickly learned suffered from the aforementioned symptoms. Here was a guy who never really had friends all the while he was growing up and now, on the verge of adulthood, seemed to lack many of the basic social skills that people half his age "should" have under their belt by that time. Nevertheless I saw in him a dynamic and sparkling personality that managed to overcome the symptoms of illness, and I was drawn to that aspect of him. We began seeing each other in a relationship sense in August of last year and are currently in a committed, hopefully long-term relationship and living together. He is practically the first individual I have ever known personally who had mental illness, and to compound it by being in an intimate relationship with him has made for some very perplexing and trying five months since. My relationship with him is very different than those I have been a part of up to now and I spend each day struggling to find understanding of his problems and to learn to acclimate myself to them. Here’s what I do know about his background: he is the second of two children in a family where the father is a paranoid schizophrenic on medication and the mother is unafflicted with any mental disorders. He has an older brother (24) who shows no signs of ADHD, OCD, etc., though they have the same parents. My partner describes his father as distant and outwardly unloving, a man consumed by his paranoia who never smiles. His father is independent enough to hold a good job but not very strong at maintaining a stable social order at home. My partner has had concentration and hyperactivity problems since his early childhood and has spent most of his life shuffling between seemingly-unconcerned psychiatrists who have prescribed a litany of medications over the years. As of late they have been mostly anti-depressants and related drugs (e.g. Wellbutrin, Effexor) and anti-anxiety/muscle relaxants (e.g. Luvox and Skellaxin, which he is on currently). His anxiety disorder causes the muscles in his back to tighten into knots that feel hard as steel to the touch, but the muscle relaxants have a tranquilizing effect, which has hindered his school performance as of late. Ironically enough, he is studying to be a doctor, a psychiatrist who would treat patients like himself. Living with him, and loving him, are among the most trying tasks I’ve ever faced. He exhibits the hyperactivity (particularly stimulated by sugary foods), the impulsivity, and the inattention in various combinations, and on top of it all he is irrationally insecure about many things, including our relationship. He seems to take almost everything I say to him exactly the wrong way, opposite of what I meant; hardly a day goes by during which we aren’t led to an explosive argument which begins with a disagreement over a hopelessly unimportant topic. He will assume I’m thinking something I’m not or "remembers" something I said that I really didn’t. Often he demands more attention from me than I can ever possibly hope to give him, as much as I’d like to, due to our respective daily responsibilities. The hyperactivity and anxiety make him restless at night, which causes me to lose sleep right with him, and his typical irritability make him a bear to even just get along with him in a civil sense a large fraction of the time. Worst of all, he blames the impulsivity for having cheated on me twice in the time we’ve been together, during which I’ve not even had the slightest thought of doing such a thing myself. He simply found himself in situations where he didn’t say no despite knowing it was wrong, though he admitted it to me outright so that I didn’t have to find out from someone else. Yet at the same time he constantly worries about *me* cheating on him or leaving him for any reason (for that matter). Recently he brought up the subject of the long-term nature of our relationship, and noted that even though society deprives us of the right to civil marriage, we could still make a promise to each other like married couples make to live together forever as one unit. When I told him that at this age, especially facing the prospect of leaving the state to go away to graduate school in less than a year, I didn’t feel ready for married life, he thought I meant that the relationship was over and reacted as such. It took days for him to come to his senses and to apologize for his inappropriate reaction to that. Of course, he apologizes to me on almost a daily basis for his actions which, while not intended to harm, often leave a mark of harm on me. I feel that I do really love him and have told him more than once, in complete sincerity, that I would give up anything I had to rid him of these problems once and for all. Add these problems to the general confusion and frustration of growing up gay in a society where it’s still not as acceptable as it should be (having homophobes for parents doesn’t help, either) and he’s had an arguably tough life. I’ve tried my best to bring light and warmth into his usually cold, dark life and to make him feel, for the first time in his life, that he is genuinely loved. Of course, this has all been very difficult for me. I unconsciously treat him the same as I would treat everyone else I know or might be in a relationship with, but I know I just can’t do that. He’s not like everyone else and has a whole different sent of instructions for proper care. It just takes a toll on me and while I’ve often thought of leaving him, I’ve resolved to do everything I can to keep him. However, I am new to all of this, and in search of some good resources for coping with a loved one with ADHD, etc. The more I know about this the more I understand him, and, hence, the more I know what I have to do. I’m trying desperately to remember the paradigm of "Love the person, hate the disease" when I deal with him. I hope beyond hope that that works. Any advice y’all could offer would be appreciated beyond what words could express. After having read some of your stories, I’m proud to share mine with you. We’re all in this together. Thanks for reading. John
Response:
John – I guess we can call this friend of yours "high maintanance." He is very young and may not have found the right combination of medicines yet, and still has many years to grow and change, but because of the number of problems he is dealing with I think you can predict continuing problems for many years. So the question you have to ask yourself is whether you can handle it. I think it is great that you are doing what you can to learn more about his diagnoses. I also think it is great that you are trying to keep your eyes on his good qualities. Your care and concern will definitely do some healing. But it really all does come down to you: what do you want (given the reality of the situation)? BTW – the first two people to come alongside you with support have been Christians. :) BGraceFild
Response:
Judging by the number of posts from Christians I have read here, this is
likely to offend some A quick aside (not criticizing you, just pointing something out). By stating the above, you’re making the same judgement about Christians that you think they’re going to make about you. "Love the person, hate the disease" is my understanding of Christianity. Enough of that, though, here’s my advice. I would tell this to anyone no matter what type of relationship. Honestly, sounds like your friend has a lot of baggage. If he’s a psych student, then he should know the value of behavior therapy – most University have free or cheap services. Is there a reason he’s not pursuing better help? Sometimes people keep their baggage with them for various reasons. You are so, so young to tie yourself into such a difficult relationship. Your first obligatoin is to take care of yourself. Don’t be offended, but are you sure you love him or are you in love with the idea of "rescueing" him? While I’m a Christian and I don’t agree with your lifestyle, I certainly don’t hate you – I don’t even know you. I feel kind of bad for you being in such a tough situation. Hope this helps, Good luck, Beth
