A>D>D> and marraige
Question:
My husband, 39, has ADD along with Tourette Syndrome and OCD. These have caused alot of problems in our marraige, in that he has had a difficult time in getting across to me what these do to him. We have been married almost 12 years now, and we love each other very much…..but he has a very difficult time in communicationg with me because of the above? I often misunderstand his actions and take them personally. I guess I can’t tell when it’s "him" and when its the "ADD< TS< OCD" thats talking, and things get taken personally…It has made our marraige very rocky at times……. Is this a problem with anyone else? How have you and your spouse managed to get by with these? He tries so hard to hide all of these from me, and that hurts, because I love him for HIM…not for the state of his health! These afflictions do not bother me in that sense. Please….any help or advice would be greatly appreciated. Please feel free to emailme if you’d like! thank you.
Response:
First of all congrats on staying together so long with all the challenges that your family has to face daily! I understand. My husband and I will be celebrating our 14th anniversary soon, and "I" am the ADDer in our family (well, the oldest one–we have 2 kids too). I have had alot of trouble communicating at different times in my life. Verbally, I often sound like an idiot. I have so many thoughts in my head, it is hard to see one subject through. One thing I do is write things down when I can’t verbalize them. I play on the computer, and usually type things out. My thoughts come out more clearly (minus the type-o’s! *G*), and I make more sense, usually. My husband, 39, has ADD along with Tourette Syndrome and OCD. These have caused alot of problems in our marraige, in that he has had a difficult time in getting across to me what these do to him. We have been married almost 12 years now, and we love each other very much…..but he has a very difficult time in communicationg with me because of the above? I often misunderstand his actions and take them personally. I guess I can’t tell when it’s "him" and when its the "ADD< TS< OCD" thats talking, and things get taken personally…It has made our marraige very rocky at times…….
I don’t know how my husband does it. I read his facial movements to see how he ment it, or I will ask if he ment that a certian way, and he does me this way too. We try to do this before we blow up (yea, like impulsive me takes time to think! *G*) . My daughter is almost 10 and heading into puberty. It is very challenging to help her realize that she needs to think before she acts. I can’t read her at all right now. She changes TOO fast. I have a hard time telling if it is harmones or ADD that is talking (or acting and reacting). You are not alone, I wish I had words of wisdom to go with it, but I think we just have to let love cover over a multitude of errors, or be blunt and ask. Of course, in your case, it could hurt him, if he says or does something he doesn’t mean to and doesn’t know he says or does. There are no easy answers (DARN IT!!!! *G*) He tries so hard to hide all of these from me, and that hurts, because I love him for HIM…not for the state of his health! These afflictions do not bother me in that sense.
It isn’t so much hiding, maybe, as trying to ignore. I do that alot. I hate the ADD things I do sometimes. I either ignore them, or apologize a million times for things that I have no control over. Is there anything that stands out as a GOOD aspect of these less that upbuilding aspects of your husband? My husband gets a kick out of me when I am in hyperfocus. That is usually when I am at my most creative. I am very tender hearted. He said that is one of the reasons he fell in love with me. I don’t know if any of this helps, but if there is anything I can do, feel free to mail me. Tammy – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text -thank you.
Response:
BLUE, ADD alone can be tough on a marriage without other conditions. I’ll make a few comments here in the hope they will be helpful though I’m not personally experience in the multi-symptom conditions. ADDers tend to be very defensive in their relationships because of our struggle to control ourselves and stay on track. It is hard to take advice because ‘coping’ as an ADDer is mostly doing things any way we can get them done. In relationships this often means not asking for advice or sharing problems. I never have asked for advice in many cases because I did not want to get an answer that I couldn’t execute because of the ADD. For someone like yourself on the other side of the situation I’m sure it causes headscratching and hurt feelings. On the other hand if we ask for advice and then can’t take it this leads to hurt feelings and often anger. Welcome to ‘catch 22′. I don’t mean to pity us cuz I know it’s tough on your side as well. (Understanding a problem does not cure the consequences.) Another factor, which enters the picture, concerns protecting our self image and ability to function.If we go on a guilt trip when we screw up it only becomes a distraction and we mess up all the more. Thus, to try to get back on track, we just move on as though nothing happened. This can cause people on your side of the issue to think we don’t give a damn. The same ’self image’ thing applies to not discussing the particular problems at a given time. If we get down on ourselves it will solve nothing and becomes it’s own problem. I assume he is taking meds and doing what he can. Sometimes a reevaluation may be in order. You didn’t give much detail on his particular situation. (No one ever does.) You would probably benefit from counceling. There was a ng for mates started but it seems to have withered on the vine. I’m getting carried away here. Hope some of this promates better feelings though as a said understanding a problem does not cure it. Good luck. Ray The truth that’s told with bad intent, beats all the lies you can invent. William Blake
