I need your opinion
Question:
I need your opinion. Where do you draw the line for standing up for rour rights, and appeasing someone. I thought I was standing up for my rights in the office the other day, but actually I went "bollistic" on the person. That person, in turn, said I had a "mental problem" so all of the other people could hear in the office. What really makes is low, is that those other people don’t even know me, because we just moved into this office. She, on the other hand, has almost known me for a year. Now, I made up with this person, and admitted where I was wrong. However, this person has a real bad attitude. Even other employees see it. Where do I draw the line in dealing with people? I think it is really low that this person said I had a "mental problem." MoetheJoe I just don’t have anything more to write, so I’ll leave it there. Before you buy.
Response:
snippery Now, I made up with this person, and admitted where I was wrong. However, this person has a real bad attitude. Even other employees see it. Where do I draw the line in dealing with people? I think it is really low that this person said I had a "mental problem."
snippery Just follow the rules for raising a family. ;-) And let others present themselves in the way that they will. They will be revealed to your other colleagues as the characters they are. Patience is rewarded as long as it is part of a plan. So be patient unless there is a good strategic reason not to be. GaryJ
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You had a very "kewl" mother!
There’s more. We lived *in* Harvard Square in Cambridge in the 60s. I don’t remember this, but she says one of the Cambridge street performers came to our house and played guitar. I think the name she used was Joan Baez. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Tom If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better. When I was a kid, one of our rather colorful neighbors used the "N" word and all the others quite a lot. My mother began to invite him to dinner involving rather mixed company. 
But, the thing that really helped in the end, was Lithium. Fargo
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J. Clarke said: "I did not mean to suggest that one should not call him on it and let him know in no uncertain terms that he was behaving in an unacceptable fashion." I agree. For myself I would have a very hard time with anyone who said that — and it wouldn’t have to be someone close to me who was insulted to be bothered by it. I spent high school and college in the deep South and heard the N word a lot after virtually never hearing it before. It’s up to Joe, but at the very least I would confront him about it — and keep an eye on him for a while. If it had been even a close friend of mine, it really would have put a pall over the friendship no matter who it had been said about. Even when we’re blurting things out impulsively, unless we have Tourette’s we have *some* control over what we say.
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Tell you what, Moe, my second husband was black (I’m white) and if someone had made a crack like that to me and referred to me marrying a "n" I would have felt very upset, and I think rightfully so. What a put down! What a low blow! In reality, tho, you may as well brace yourself for things like that happening from time to time. Don’t get me wrong, you don’t have to tolerate it from your friends, but the world is full of bigoted, narrow minded people who will stare and make dumb comments when you are half of a mixed racial couple. It goes with the territory. I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
– Colette
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I probably would slowly cut ties with him, is he a drinker? Do you plant to have alcohol at the reception? I only ask these questions because I have seen the nicest people turn into utter a**holes once they get some alcohol in their systems, also talk it over with your soon to be wife,how does she REALLY feel about him, how close are you to this "buddy" huh? You might tell him you don’t appreciate those kind of remarks all kidding aside and if he doesn’t think he can control himself then perhaps he shouldn’t come, don’t let yourself be bullied or made to feel guilty whatever you decide to do, your wife is suppose to be forever.
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
Response:
On the principle of "every dog gets one bite", I’d let it slide, this time, if it was the first time. If he does it again, then it’s time to do something about it. But talk to her about it–if he’s insulted her before, that would make a difference. Just a comment, totally off topic, but I’m reminded of a female student in one of my classes. Very tiny, very pretty, very sweet, very Vietnamese. I heard some oaf call her a gook. Her response was to smile sweetly and say to him "Gook? Try ‘Charlie’" and then walk off. You should have seen the look on his face. — — —John reply to jclarke at eye bee em dot net
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
Response:
Personally I think the word nigger as far as slurs seems to be the most offensive. But we must consider peoples actions over the words that they use. everybody is prejudice to some degree, I have never met anybody (or at least very few who dont use slurs or have some sort of bigotry) Ive used every derogatory slur in the book at some time in my life and am probably more tolerant then most people. Ive used the word Gook and could see myself marrying an asian. I have a friend who who lives with an asian girl and we crack jokes saying stuff about gooks and driving and other stereotypes. It also seems to be acceptable for other races to make jokes about whites calling them crackers and stuff. Personally Im as white as they come and this doesn’t bother me. Jews are also seemingly immune when it comes to calling non-jews goy or goyum ( a deragatory term, Ive been called a token goy when hanging out with a circle of jews I know). So these are just facts, if this particular person was treating your wife disrespectfully or in overtly racist ways I would say cut him loose. The only other thing to do is say " listen Im sure you probably dont really mean anything by it but Im sensitive to those kinds of terms so please dont use them in my presense".
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Thank you, Fargo. Moethejoe Moe, In my earlier post I neglected to say how proud I was of you that this type of remark bothered you so.
Before you buy.
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<snipped I’ve decieded to have a lawn party with all my friends…. most of them are black women and a couple hispanic ladies… some of the black women have LONG DREDLOCKS and this should be fun…… —
LOL… can we move the lawn party to my first husband’s lawn once you’re done shocking your neighborhood? — Light, Love, & Laughter, Kitten, Goddess of Mischief "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." – Anonymous "Just for today, do not worry; Just for today, do not anger; Earn your living honestly; Honor your parents, teachers and elders; Show gratitude for every living thing."- Dr. Mikao Usui Before you buy.
Response:
You had a very "kewl" mother! Tom – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better. When I was a kid, one of our rather colorful neighbors used the "N" word and all the others quite a lot. My mother began to invite him to dinner involving rather mixed company. But, the thing that really helped in the end, was Lithium. Fargo
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Moe, In my earlier post I neglected to say how proud I was of you that this type of remark bothered you so. Fargo
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
Response:
I did not mean to suggest that one should not call him on it and let him know in no uncertain terms that he was behaving in an unacceptable fashion. In fact I’d kind of like to introduce the jerk to my VC friend. — — —John reply to jclarke at eye bee em dot net
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – On the principle of "every dog gets one bite", I’d let it slide, this time, if it was the first time. If he does it again, then it’s time to do something about it. But talk to her about it–if he’s insulted her before, that would make a difference. I would agree with Joe on this one….It could be *possible* that he doesn’t realize that he sounds/is so racist. Case in point. My family is from southern Lousiana, and at one time owned a small plantation. Needless to say, there has been a bit of racism in my family tree. My father was bound and determined to stop it in his generation, in his household. We grew up with the notion that N____ was a cuss word, and would merit getting our mouths washed out with soap. Flash forward to the VietNamese refugees that came by the boatload to the US. My dad was frustrated over some of the abuses that he saw in the way *some* VietNamese were taking advantage of our government’s help in resettling(i.e., they were getting monetary help, and driving fancy cars, eating steak, etc). Notice, I said *some*. I had friends from many ethnic backgrounds, including several Asians(from Korea, Okinawa, and Viet Nam). Dad was going off on "Gook this, gook that". I replied, "Dad, the next time you say ‘gook’, I am gonna say ‘nigger’" After the shock wore off, he realized he had gotten into a very bad habit…and in doing so, was insulting some of my friends. We both learned a valuable lesson that day. I *would* talk to this man about it, so he would know you find this kind of vocabulary unacceptable. Buny
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I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M
To be quite honest, I would not be comfortable calling that person "friend." To me, what you’ve describe is like the difference between two black people calling each other "nigger" in jest vs a white supremacist using the term. As I don’t recall ever hearing any of the Asians I know calling each other "gook," I feel that this is even worse. — Light, Love, & Laughter, Kitten, Goddess of Mischief "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." – Anonymous "Just for today, do not worry; Just for today, do not anger; Earn your living honestly; Honor your parents, teachers and elders; Show gratitude for every living thing."- Dr. Mikao Usui Before you buy.
Response:
Joe said: "I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" " Joe, you KNOW that some of the people around you tend to push your buttons. You HAVE to tune them out. If you really consider this person a friend, it’s time to reconsider that.
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better. When I was a kid, one of our rather colorful neighbors used the "N" word and all the others quite a lot. My mother began to invite him to dinner involving rather mixed company. But, the thing that really helped in the end, was Lithium. Fargo
) Fargo
Response:
On the principle of "every dog gets one bite", I’d let it slide, this time, if it was the first time. If he does it again, then it’s time to do something about it. But talk to her about it–if he’s insulted her before, that would make a difference.
I would agree with Joe on this one….It could be *possible* that he doesn’t realize that he sounds/is so racist. Case in point. My family is from southern Lousiana, and at one time owned a small plantation. Needless to say, there has been a bit of racism in my family tree. My father was bound and determined to stop it in his generation, in his household. We grew up with the notion that N____ was a cuss word, and would merit getting our mouths washed out with soap. Flash forward to the VietNamese refugees that came by the boatload to the US. My dad was frustrated over some of the abuses that he saw in the way *some* VietNamese were taking advantage of our government’s help in resettling(i.e., they were getting monetary help, and driving fancy cars, eating steak, etc). Notice, I said *some*. I had friends from many ethnic backgrounds, including several Asians(from Korea, Okinawa, and Viet Nam). Dad was going off on "Gook this, gook that". I replied, "Dad, the next time you say ‘gook’, I am gonna say ‘nigger’" After the shock wore off, he realized he had gotten into a very bad habit…and in doing so, was insulting some of my friends. We both learned a valuable lesson that day. I *would* talk to this man about it, so he would know you find this kind of vocabulary unacceptable. Buny
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– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better. When I was a kid, one of our rather colorful neighbors used the "N" word and all the others quite a lot. My mother began to invite him to dinner involving rather mixed company. But, the thing that really helped in the end, was Lithium. Fargo
I don’t feel comfortable with a friend who says that. To me a joke is just a way to hide how a person really feels. I would wait and see if he changes but I would not make an effort to have contact with him. It doesn’t sound to me like he’s a close friend. If he is impulsive and talks before thinking I might tend to be more understanding but if he’s displayed prejudiced behavior before towards anything that is not like him then I would be extremely cautious. My husband once cut ties with a man who said nasty things about women in general but not until he insulted me. At that point my husband told him either to apologize to me (I wasn’t even there, he’d made the comment to my husband) or that he would not work freelance with him anymore. The guy apologized to me. growing up i heard my folks say things and I didn’t know a lot of things about black people. Now I work in an office that is 80% black female and I have been dubbed a ’sista’. I even had braids put in (I must scan that picture) but my mom got so upset cause she said that braids were dirty cause you can’t wash your hair. well you can and I did… my neighbor told another neighbor that he was upset seeing her ‘white’ daughter sitting with her black friends. I’ve decieded to have a lawn party with all my friends…. most of them are black women and a couple hispanic ladies… some of the black women have LONG DREDLOCKS and this should be fun…… — Nessa — does fuzzy logic tickle
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This is in reply to MOOTHEJOE’s post, I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M
I would immediately respond to that type of "joke" by telling the person I don’t consider it humorous, that I take offense and would appreciate his not saying such things in the future. Whether you invite this person to the wedding is a judgment call, depending on your perception of your friend’s behavior. If it was a stupid attempt at humor but you feel he would not say such things in the future, that’s one thing. If you feel this is the way he is, I’d drop him from all invitation lists and look for a new friend. Kevin P. O’Connor
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I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
Moe, Read through the other responses and while I think people often say things they don’t mean (hey, he could be ADD ) there is always the possibility that there is bigotry involved. This woman is going to be your wife and your first loyalty should be to her. If you hold his friendship as important and you want to give him a second chance fine but I would talk to him privately, tell him that you found that remark most offensive and that if any mistakes on that order are made to you or anyone you know again it will be the end of the friendship. If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better. Fargo
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If she were black and he called her the "N" word would we suggest you just brush it aside? The same bigotry is involved here and your future bride deserves better.
When I was a kid, one of our rather colorful neighbors used the "N" word and all the others quite a lot. My mother began to invite him to dinner involving rather mixed company. But, the thing that really helped in the end, was Lithium. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Fargo
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Sounds as if maybe your friend spoke without giving it much thought..I agree with the others…he deserves another chance. I know most guys aren’t real "talky talky" about feelings and all, but if it’s bothering you, why not just pull him aside and bring it up. Just tell him how you feel, odds are what he blurted out thoughtlessly is bothering him too. cheryl
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." That sounds like he said something stupid and then made his best attempt to apologize for it. The comment about "I bet you want to punch me in the face" makes it sound like he was mortified at his own impulsive comment and understands how horribly offensive it was. If you have ADD, you should be able to accept how some people impulsively say things they know they shouldn’t. What would you say *after* you had let something so stupid slip out? I think your friend made a horrible mistake. It sounds like he tried to correct it as soon as it happened, but the damage is already done. *Of course* it bothers you. It was totally offensive. But, I think you should give your friend a chance to apologize. Tell him it bothered you. Tell him you think he didn’t mean it. *Ask* him what he did mean. I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
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I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face." I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
Response:
I would like your opinion. I’m getting married to an asian woman. One of my "lower class friends" make a joke to me, saying, "so, you’re marrying a gook…" Then he lauphed and said, "ha ha ha. only kidding. I bet you want to punch me in the face."
That sounds like he said something stupid and then made his best attempt to apologize for it. The comment about "I bet you want to punch me in the face" makes it sound like he was mortified at his own impulsive comment and understands how horribly offensive it was. If you have ADD, you should be able to accept how some people impulsively say things they know they shouldn’t. What would you say *after* you had let something so stupid slip out? I think your friend made a horrible mistake. It sounds like he tried to correct it as soon as it happened, but the damage is already done. *Of course* it bothers you. It was totally offensive. But, I think you should give your friend a chance to apologize. Tell him it bothered you. Tell him you think he didn’t mean it. *Ask* him what he did mean. – Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – I made light of it, and forgot it. But I DIDN’T FORGET IT. It’s bothering me… I’m wondering if I should tell him to do me a favor and NOT come to the wedding. I remember seeing him when he first met her. I THINK he might have been bad mouthing her.. that’s a different story. How would you react if a friend said that about your fiance, even though they were kidding. M Before you buy.
