Hurt feelings Q
Question:
The other thing I wanted to get peoples’ take on was the "if sibling B can’t go then kid A can’t either" thing. There seems to be agreement here on that one. A neighbor kid who is friends w/both mine has a younger sister who has behaved so badly she is no longer welcome. A few weeks later the neighbor kid said if his sister couldn’t come over to play then he wasn’t allowed to, either. I told him how unfortunate that was; and we would miss having him over!
So you’ve seen both sides of that gig! :-) Yes, I strongly feel the right answer is that kids, like adults, have social lives of their own, and to tack one kid onto the other is an injustice to the ones who do want each others’ company, but not the company of the third. I’ve dealt with that in my neighborhood. Sometimes it’s that the parent(s) want both of them out of the house (free babysitting), but more often I think it’s a somewhat misguided notion of fairness that one should not get a goodie (play time with a friend) that the other doesn’t. Or that both are required to play with each other at home, and the parent feels that another family’s inviting one, and not the other, is undermining that. But that’s not the other family’s problem or place to help enforce. So, in any case, I think such a rule is a really bad idea. As you know, from the friend’s (and that friend’s family’s) POV, it’s quite unfair to impose a child who is not welcome on any playtime with the child who is. And, even if both are welcome, there’s something special about one-on-one play that two kids might desire but isn’t possible with the third one around. Espeically if there is an age difference – the younger’s play habits can disrupt any plans the older kids have. Two brothers, one a little wild (or just a little young) may have a fine old time and be very welcome playing on their scooters together with a friend. But, for board games, it may be disasterous to have to have the wilder or younger one there. Banty
Response:
Hello group; If you have two kids that are the same sex and pretty close in age, who also share many of the same friends: What do you do when a mutual friend of the kids has invited one child but not the other to a party or sleepover? How do you console him. This is a somewhat regular occurrence in our family since one child is more outgoing and popular, and the other (bless his soul) tends to annoy some kids sometimes due to his (very mild) neurological problems, but is otherwise a wonderful person…. Any suggestions? T.I.A.
Go to another newsgroup.You will not get good advice here.
Response:
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Hello group; If you have two kids that are the same sex and pretty close in age, who also share many of the same friends: What do you do when a mutual friend of the kids has invited one child but not the other to a party or sleepover? How do you console him. This is a somewhat regular occurrence in our family since one child is more outgoing and popular, and the other (bless his soul) tends to annoy some kids sometimes due to his (very mild) neurological problems, but is otherwise a wonderful person…. Any suggestions? T.I.A. Go to another newsgroup.You will not get good advice here.
Really? I think the responses so far have been quite good advice, actually. Did you bother reading the entire thread before posting your knee-jerk response? — ~Nan~<– Remove XX to e-mail me 
Response:
Hello group; If you have two kids that are the same sex and pretty close in age, who also share many of the same friends: What do you do when a mutual friend of the kids has invited one child but not the other to a party or sleepover? How do you console him. This is a somewhat regular occurrence in our family since one child is more outgoing and popular, and the other (bless his soul) tends to annoy some kids sometimes due to his (very mild) neurological problems, but is otherwise a wonderful person…. Any suggestions? T.I.A. — ~Lynne
Response:
Hello group; If you have two kids that are the same sex and pretty close in age, who also share many of the same friends: What do you do when a mutual friend of the kids has invited one child but not the other to a party or sleepover? How do you console him. This is a somewhat regular occurrence in our family since one child is more outgoing and popular, and the other (bless his soul) tends to annoy some kids sometimes due to his (very mild) neurological problems, but is otherwise a wonderful person…. Any suggestions? T.I.A.
I haven’t been there as I have one child, but my first thought is to assist the often left out child in developing his/her own friendships [long term plan] so s/he will have many opportunities to be involved in parties, sleep-overs and other friendship based events as a separate individual from the older sib. On the more short term I’d probably schedule a mom [or family] fun time with the one left behind so that that one has their own special time. I was the older sibling in a similar situation except my younger sis. was not dealing with those types of challenges. In fact, she was the social butterfly and I was the quiet one. It became very important that we develop our own areas of expertise and circles of friendship so that we could find out own successess and individual selves. Your children are starting to experience the need for separate circles of friends [that might over-lap some]. This need will grow and become even more important as they go through school – especially high school. Twins have similar issues. They need to be individuals. This discussion probably will mean little to nothing to a young child, but your efforts to help them develop their interests and related friends will be most important. -Aula
Response:
Dear Lynne, I have two daughters, one 11 and the other 10, and we come across this situation quite often. I usually make the evening a special event for me and the one who ends up having to stay home, or I suggest that she have someone spend the night at our house. Usually, when they both meet a person at the same time, one of them becomes better friends with that person than the other. They don’t seem to "share" friends well. It has gotten a little easier now that one is in middle school. The parents who try to deal with it by saying "if your sister can’t stay the night too, then you can’t" drive me absolutely nuts. I used to fall for it and I would end up having 5 kids in my house at once, but then I realized that they had just worked a free babysitting job out of me so I stopped doing it. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of neurological problems does your son have? I am asking because my oldest daughter has a neurological disorder and she has met some great kids in her support group and from her group counseling sessions. Perhaps there is a support group for children with his problems in your area? It would be a great place for him to start making friends with other children who have something in common with him. Kim "I am always dreaming, even when I am awake. It is never finished." (The Last Unicorn) Mom to Katy (11) (Has Tourette Sydrome/OCD/PANDAS) Mom to Carly (10) Family Pets Mr. Magoo (Shih tzu) and Gretchen (mini-pinscher)
Response:
Hello group; If you have two kids that are the same sex and pretty close in age, who also share many of the same friends: What do you do when a mutual friend of the kids has invited one child but not the other to a party or sleepover? How do you console him. This is a somewhat regular occurrence in our family since one child is more outgoing and popular, and the other (bless his soul) tends to annoy some kids sometimes due to his (very mild) neurological problems, but is otherwise a wonderful person…. Any suggestions? T.I.A. — ~Lynne
Firstly, don’t force in any way that both have to be invited. That would be an imposition to both your more popular son and his friend. Two things, short term and long. Short term – plan something special for you and/or your husband to do with your other son the night of the sleepover. Long term – help your other son cultivate a circle of friends of his own based on any unique interests he has, or just from whichever kids he has played well with. Perhaps you can even combine your short and long term goals by inviting a friend of your other son over for a sleepover that same night. I understand that you think your other son won’t ever have as many friends as your popular one. But, even if so that’s OK. He may cultivate *closer* friendships with fewer. Banty (wishing I could think up some reference other than "other son"..)
Response:
It is my oldest son (10) who has difficulty. He was dx’d with high-functioning autism w/ADD. He is "socially impaired" – to put it in a way so as to not give you all a half day’s worth of reading here. When my younger gets invited to an outing with a mutual friend, my older lights right up & gets all excited – until he realizes that the invite was not extended to him, then the gator tears come. He so rarely ever gets upset over anything at all. The suggestions of doing something special with him is what I have done to help divert his attention, and it does help, as much as it can. I’ve recently discovered he likes to go to the movies, so that will be my next strategy. Glad to hear I seem to be doing the right thing. The other thing I wanted to get peoples’ take on was the "if sibling B can’t go then kid A can’t either" thing. There seems to be agreement here on that one. A neighbor kid who is friends w/both mine has a younger sister who has behaved so badly she is no longer welcome. A few weeks later the neighbor kid said if his sister couldn’t come over to play then he wasn’t allowed to, either. I told him how unfortunate that was; and we would miss having him over!
– Hide quoted text — Show quoted text – Dear Lynne, I have two daughters, one 11 and the other 10, and we come across this situation quite often. I usually make the evening a special event for me and the one who ends up having to stay home, or I suggest that she have someone spend the night at our house. Usually, when they both meet a person at the same time, one of them becomes better friends with that person than the other. They don’t seem to "share" friends well. It has gotten a little easier now that one is in middle school. The parents who try to deal with it by saying "if your sister can’t stay the night too, then you can’t" drive me absolutely nuts. I used to fall for it and I would end up having 5 kids in my house at once, but then I realized that they had just worked a free babysitting job out of me so I stopped doing it. If you don’t mind me asking, what kind of neurological problems does your son have? I am asking because my oldest daughter has a neurological disorder and she has met some great kids in her support group and from her group counseling sessions. Perhaps there is a support group for children with his problems in your area? It would be a great place for him to start making friends with other children who have something in common with him. Kim "I am always dreaming, even when I am awake. It is never finished." (The Last Unicorn) Mom to Katy (11) (Has Tourette Sydrome/OCD/PANDAS) Mom to Carly (10) Family Pets Mr. Magoo (Shih tzu) and Gretchen (mini-pinscher)
